how to save a life

I wake up in the morning and it's usually hard to get out of bed. How long will that feeling last? I don't know.
Ryan says it will last till the day you dont walk around with your head down but look up at the sky, watch the clouds and smile.

Some days are harder than others. I wake up, I gently place Momo's head on the pillow. It usually is resting on my stomach, my chest or my face. He wakes up anyway and meows gently. Sometimes it solicits a smile, othertimes, I just get out of bed and get ready for the day.

I do the things people usually do before they get to work. The house is empty. Mom's away to teach and my sister's away at school. My cat keeps me company, him trotting along with his little paws to keep up with my hurried morning routine.
I leave him in the house alone with a few words of advice - behave till amma comes, eat some cat food, dont break anything - I love you, moe.. And I'm out the door.

I sit in the bus, I watch traffic. I keep glancing at my phone and think, he would have called by now to tell me that he just woke up. Silly boy. Always late to work. Sometimes the thought makes me smile. Othertimes, the thought lingers long enough to remind me that he will probably never do that again and I stop staring at the phone and continue to watch traffic.

I'm talking and laughing with my colleagues. I'm eating the lunch my mother packed me, at the cafeteria. I'm having conversations with the occasional friend who calls. I'm drinking hot chocolate from the vending machine at work.
Through it all, I wonder what he's doing. Is he at work? Is he home for lunch? Is he at an event somewhere? Is he eating and sleeping on time?

Its only natural - all my friends say. They message me, email me, call me, go out to dinner and drinks with me - keep that chin up, you'll be alright. I'm listening to them. I am.

One Sunday after I woke up, I went to the kitchen and hugged my mother. All I did was cry. I didn't say one word, I only cried. She held me. She didn't ask any questions. Only told me that it was for the best. We were two good people who weren't good for each other and in time, we will both realise it. In time.
She lost the man she loved and lived with for twenty five years. Till date, I have never seen her break down in front of my sister or me. I have a feeling I still have a lot to learn from my mother.

I lie in bed at the end of the day. I never sleep without thinking about him and wishing him goodnight in my head. I know that he will never again call to tell me he is still at work. I will never complain that he works too hard, that he should have eaten dinner by now, that he should be home and in bed, because it's already past eleven.
I will never get to tell him that I missed him the whole day and that even if he gets home by 2am, to call me before he goes to bed.
These days, before sleeping, my phone is switched to silent mode.

He still calls sometimes. I do too. Conversation is cordial. We try hard to talk about things that are inane. Invariably, 'us' creeps in. I ask him if he's started seeing someone already. He chuckles and asks me if I'm crazy. I tell him I won't see anyone for the longest time to come. It's hard getting over you. I still think about you. I miss you sometimes. I can't imagine being with someone else so soon. I love you. Hey, me too ... I love you too.
Then one of us stops. Silence lingers, the conversation fades away. We say our goodbyes.

I write this post today, because this morning, when I was in the bus to work, I looked at the sky. I thought of what Ryan said, I looked at the clouds and I smiled. I kept that chin up. I'll be alright.

I still will have to remind myself often to feel the pain but not act on it. I will still miss him for a long time to come. I will still wonder whom he's talking to and how long it will take for another girl to take my place. Will she be prettier than me? Maybe have longer hair. I'm sure she'll be funny. He likes girls with a good sense of humour. WIll she take care of him. He needs to be reminded to eat and sleep on time.

One day, I will see him with another girl and be happy for him. I should remind myself to tell Ryan that THAT will be the day. That will be the day that I am truly over him.

Anyway, maybe tomorrow morning, when Moe looks at me and meows, after a yawn and a good stretch, I'll kiss him on his little button nose and tell him that I love him. I should. Because I do.