Fairy Wings

The picture I've added to the blog is the last picture taken of my dad with the family .. actually the last picture taken of my dad.

This is before he left to Tanzania and .. well .. left us for good .

God sure is one mysterious guy , theres no telling when he's going to sneak up on someone you love so dearly and take them away forever. No chance for you to say good bye , no time for you to do all the things you planned to do.

Death is a terrible ,selfish thing -It takes you away to a better place and leaves everyone here alone to grieve your absence .

Its ridiculous to question why these things happen or what we did to deserve it - no one does anything to deserve these things. Its all part of this big plan . That way the cosmos works , where good things and bad things happen.

Positive to negate the Negative and vice versa.

Dad was always an arrogant and cynical man. Didnt think anyone should wallow in self pity. Didnt think it was justified for any reason . Always believed that the most bitter truth about life that it went on - didnt wait for anyone. And that the sooner one accepted that , the easier it would be to live it , respecting its rules and unpredictability.

Trying to live by his advice was the hardest thing for me to do when he left us so suddenly.

I allowed myself time to grieve.
I dont know how I got the strength to get through what happened - the shock , seeing his body , performing the last rites, accepting condolances from family and friends , some of whom I hadn't seen in years. Theres not much they could do or say. Not much anybody can do or say. But custom is custom. And it is customary to offer condolances when someone passes away.

There is something i read once at a restaurant that I thought about when I wondered where my sister , mom and I got the strength to get through Dad's death - A woman is like tea - she only knows her strength when she gets into hot water. Thats my family alright - the three of us took woman power to a whole new level !

But personally , my strength I gathered from harsh reality - the need to be strong for the rest of the family , the need to be strong as the oldest daughter facing new responsibilities, the need to be strong to get back to work and most importantly the need to be strong for my father. Because i know he woulnt want me to sit and wallow in the 'why-mes?' and 'what did we do to deserve this'.

I know that he is sitting on some cloud with fairy wings and a drink in his hand (Ballentine's whisky and soda , if its stocked in that big bar up in the sky) looking down on us . And i know that the fact that both his daughters (who he firmly believed would have been better off being boys) , are going on with life makes him proud . And I hope that we continue to live up to that.

Here's to Vijay Ramamurthi ( whom I 'affectionately' called Aurangzeb - because we couldnt listen to the tele or music too loud- it was apparently sensitive hearing .. ahem .. and no one could talk when he was driving) .
I'll always love you ,Pa.
I promise to drive the car carefully , exercise often, take care of Mom and Juj , fight my own battles , face consequences for my actions and not to steal stationary supplies from the office.
And I know that wherever you are , you'll thoroughly scrutinize the boy Juja and I want to marry because he'll never be good enough for us.
I love you dearly will miss you always even if time does make some of the pain go away.

Thank you kindly to every one who helped me get through this - you know who you are .. too many to name .. to the phase 1 team for accepting me and being extrememly supportive - you guys dont know what a big difference you made in helping me get through this... and to friends and family .. the people you take so much for granted but are always there ( see .. thats an extension of me taking you for granted again :) ) ...

At the End of the day , without life , all else if just wind and dust.

Long post. Sentimental. End thought.